The Face of Depression is an Ugly One…

…but that doesn’t make me an ugly person does it?

Ok so it was World Mental Health Day on the 10th of October, literally last week but guess what, it doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it!

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Same person.

Moving on, if someone had told me that after a year of blogging I would be sharing my depression history I would have said some nasty words and been a little rude because a year ago I would read other peoples mental health stories and I would say I could never ever share mine but here I am, a little more confident in my writing to do this and to be completely honest, I’m one little finger away from back spacing this whole post! If you are reading this, hooray!

I’m not going to talk about back then because I’m not there anymore, I want to talk about the now, me right now because I’m fighting I’ve not given up although every thing in my brain is telling me to, I’m fighting against my own mind to carry on when the invisible dark side of me is telling me to quit, that I’m not worth it and I won’t matter to anyone, some days that side pins me down and I don’t feel like I’m ever going to get up until I sleep and I catch that dark side and I hold myself higher than it. I’m fighting every day because of what I went through all those years ago.

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‘Depression shuts out the world leaving you in darkness too bright, blinded, numb. Pain free yet screaming internally’

Scars are a funny things well they’re not but to me the scars on our minds are worse than the ones we have on our skin. On our skin we’re able to cover them, use special lotions to remove them but the ones in our minds are the weakest parts of our brain. They are tender and sore and one bad thing, one horrible word can cause that scar to re-open. Some of us have supportive family, great partners to speak to and amazing friends to lean one but some don’t and sometimes even with all that support when that scar has been opened too many times and you’re bleeding into your brain, you can’t talk, hear or see what’s around you and you go numb that’s when to some it’s sadly too late, that’s when sadly people take their own lives. That’s what needs to STOP!

Some days I honestly feel like I’ve been down for so long I’ve forgotten what feeling normal is like. I’ve got so deep into a darkness that when light hits me I am fazed and a little disillusioned. That’s depression that is what it’s like for those that are effected by it every day.

Today is a good day for me and before now I would step on egg shells, anxious, looking over my shoulder waiting for that one thing to happen that would see me plummeting into that dark place but no more is my depression going to have that much control over me anymore. My good days are going to be free, free from worry, anxiety and fear. My good days are going to start good, be good and end good. I want to go to bed and look back at my day and be happy with what I filled my 12 hours with instead of beating myself up over one hour of darkness.

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Me today, still fighting, still surviving. Not giving up!
Now I don’t know if this has made any sense or if anyone can relate and to be honest I don’t really even know how I should finish this but I’ll stop now otherwise this post will be too long and you’ll all hate me. Hahaha!

So I’m going to finish this by saying having a mental illness isn’t something to be ashamed of, it isn’t something we have to keep quite anymore. We need to talk about it, share with others and be there for each other. So I’m here for you! My email address is in my about me page and my twitter DM’s are open to anyone (well apart from you automatic ones)

As always guys

Peace and Love

Zoe x

 

 

 

 

 

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Being a Mother.

You know it’s insane really. How you can fall in love with a person, a little baby you’ve never met in your entire life can mean so much, could be loved so much.

I carried Mia and Robyn for a total of 82 weeks, for 574 days I carried two human beings inside me and for the whole time I was just carrying them, allowing them both to grow inside me and become who they have become who they are right now. We picked out baby names, brought clothes and toy they’d play with when they arrived. I enjoyed feeling them kick and roll, some nights when I really needed sleep they would keep me awake having themselves their own little private raves on my bladder. Hahaha!

I was really an amazing feeling and a miracle really, one I never thought I’d experience but I’m thankful and feel blessed to have experienced it.

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Big sis. Little Sis.

Throughout both my pregnancies, during all that time I never gave one thought to how much I would love them, how much I would want to protect them and give them every thing I could. It wasn’t until the midwives who passed Mia and Robyn onto my chest did I then realise that ‘Love at first sight did exist’.

It’s a primal things I think to immediately care deeply/love your own child the minute they are born, they are not some stranger you’ve just met in a hallway, they are a part of you, your DNA mixed with your partners, they’re parts of you. It’s crazy really! Your children are everything that is good in the both of you and all that is squeezed together and it creates little humans that are all yours.

I was actually so afraid before giving birth. Would I be a good mum? Would I know when something was wrong? Would I love them?

And all of these questions were answered with one three letter word. YES YES YES!

Now when I look at Mia and Robyn and see how Mia has just started nursery and Robyn is starting to properly start talking and progressing amazingly it’s always a surprise when I realise I’ve only had them for 3 years, (Mia 3, Robyn 1) but I know one thing, there is a whole lifetime a head of me, Nick, Mia and Robyn which I can’t wait to fill with a lot of love…..

…….because that’s my job as a mother, to protect, to teach and to love my children!

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France 2017

As always to you guys,

Peace and Love

Zoe x

The Night Sky, Oh How I could Watch You Forever!

You know that part in Titanic where Jack is laying on the bench looking up at the stars, and the smoke from his cigarette is floating in the air creating a glaze of white in front of a small glimmer of our giant universe. That moment, I’ve experienced that. (on ground, not on the Titanic)

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Whenever I would go to Norfolk and stay with my grandparents, who lived in the middle of no where so the light pollution only came from the house, I would have to stand outside to smoke, when I used to. I don’t know anymore, and on a clear night I would stand their with Dave, my nans partner and we’d look up at the stars, discussing them, history and Jeremy Kyle. The stars were always there and even after he went back into the house I would stand there a little longer just to marvel in this show I was able to witness. From our universe to Earth and I at that moment had a front row seat.

My first experience seeing the stars like that was on a school trip to Trewern, on the first night we all went for a walk around the grounds, it was pitch black so we all had been given a torch. All of a sudden our guide told us to turn our torches off and look up. Now as a 12 year old I’d never been rendered speechless before until then, it was stunning the sky was jammed with stars, little specks among the slightly bigger, brighter ones, I was amazed and so the obsession began. My love for the stars had started.

When I was younger I really wanted to be an astronaut and a little part of me as an adult would still love to go into space just to view the stars from up there among them.

My favourite constellation apart from Aries is Orion the hunter (I’m a sucker for Greek Mythology also), I’m always pointing this out to Nick whenever it is visible from our house so much that I think he could actually point it out now if I asked. In Orion there is a red super giant that serves as the right shoulder of The Hunter, this is called Betelgeuse, which I’ve read can be pronounced as Beetle Juice. I dare not say it two more times. Haha. Anyways I’d though I’d throw in some astronomy in here, to show I’m not just a weirdo staring into the stars every night, I’m a weirdo who knows a little bit about them too.

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Space has always fascinated me, I think it’s the unknown, the depth and the unpredictability about it that draws me in. It is on a clear night a light show on an enormous scale, that’s free to watch and you get this sense of peace and clarity just watching them, and if you’re wrapped up nice and warm you could spend hours looking up into the unknown, beauty of space.

I know I can’t be the only one that loves to star-gaze? Do you?

Melancholy Mind by Charlene McElhinney a Book Review!

Before I get into this post I want to say If you’ve not read this yet you really should, you can buy it here on Amazon.

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Have you ever read someone else’s words and thought how familiar they are to you? Have you ever read a book and wondered if the author had reached into the farthest depths of your mind and pulled out thoughts you’ve had? I have and it has happened whilst reading Charlene’s first self-published book.

‘Melancholy Mind’ is a collection of poetry I write covering a variety of aspects of mental health. I wanted to try and convey what goes on in the mind of a depressive and also explore different ways of coping and ‘recovering’ – Charlene

These poems are so raw, honest and real. That’s what I love about Charlene’s writing, she doesn’t bullshit, she doesn’t sugar coat things to make them less real in the eyes of someone who might not understand mental illnesses. Charlene touched down on many aspects of depression in this book from the reality of Depression, Love, Medication, Coping and Recovery to name a few. It’s quite a wide spectrum and she does it poetically, it’s smooth, the poems are strong and powerful. From each section to the next it flows and you can read it all at once, to me it was like reading a self-help book, you finished reading one poem and you needed to read the next because it felt like the author was writing about the thoughts and feeling I’ve had.

Whether you have had Depression and are in recovery or still in the grasps of this mental illness this is a book you need to read. You get a strong sense of community when reading this because you realise you are not alone, you share maybe the same or similar thoughts. I couldn’t recommend this book enough, I just wish there was more to read because truth be told I read it twice.

If you do read this book and want to read more from Charlene check out her blog here.

I’ve never written a book review before so I hope this was good and you guys enjoyed this and I hope you go and buy Melancholy Mind, I assure you, you will not be disappointed.

As always Peace and Love

Zoe x

I was in no way asked to write this review by Charlene. x

Poem – Fly or Fall?

Into the Abyss I stare,

On the edge of the fall I play,

The ice burns, the flames tickle,

The pain I feel no longer hurts,

The pain no longer numbs,

The pain is no longer the problem,

I can take it all away.

Still I stand there on the edge,

Leaning back and forth,

Tempting fate, Destiny screaming,

Dreamers dreaming.

Why am I risking it all in a bid to do it all?

I take the plunge and step one foot forward,

Expecting to fall into the darkness but

Time stood still for just one second,

The gods making this decision,

Do I fly or do I fall?

My 10 Favourite Movie Box Sets

There are two things you need to know about me. 1) I love watching movies. 2) When I watch movies, I watch the hell out of them and when it comes to movies that have a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th, there is only one way I like to watch them and that’s one after the other. Huge movie marathon at Zoe’s house. Here are my 10 favourite movie box sets.

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1. Rocky, I, II, III, IV, V & Rocky Balboa

My complete undisputed Rocky collection is my baby, I love these films and whenever I am down I watch them. I love how inspiring they are and the story has so much meaning and heart, something I can really relate to.

2. Harry Potter 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 & 8

I look forward to Christmas, why I may hear you ask? Because nearly every year they put these babies on TV and I have to watch them, it’s something that’s wrong if I didn’t. I love the books but the movies just bring the magic alive.

3. Die Hard 1 2 3 4 & 5

If you really know me, you’ll know that I’m in love with Bruce Willis, and these films are another when they’re on TV I have to watch them and everyone in the house has to ssh! Haha!

4. Twilight 1 2 & 3

Now I don’t know why this made the list but I can’t help it, I feel Bella would not be missed if she weren’t in the movies. I love Edward though and the Cullen men, that’s who I’m really there for and maybe some of the wolf pack!

5. Transformers 1 2 & 3

I’m only hear for the Shia Labeouf Transformer movies because I love him and I love Bumblebee, I would really also like my first car to turn out to be a Autobot, not one of those killer Decepticon asshats!

6. Rush Hour 1 2 & 3

Alright, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. perfect combination for three brilliantly funny movies.

7. Oceans Eleven, Twelve & Thirteen

I love me some George Clooney and Brad Pitt and Matt Damon and some funny from Bernie Mac and Elliot Gould and with the stunning Julia Roberts, I just love this movies.

8. Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2 & 3

I love Jack Sparrow but the movies after the third are just not the same without Will and Elizabeth.

9. Lord of the Rings 1 2 & 3

If you haven’t seen these movies I think you need to be checked over some Orcs because that’s just crazy. Where have you been the last 17 years? and the only acceptable answer to that question to let you off not seeing these is in someones cellar.

10. Fast and Furious 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 & 8

These movies are AWESOME! To be honest I only started watching them when I meet Nick but I love them all the time. Vin Diesel is just amazing, I love Letty’s character she is bad-ass and the racing is on top form.

Now when Paul Walker was killed in that car crash that totally shocked every one, I honestly believed it was a stunt, a little teaser for the up coming movie but it wasn’t. It was real and not only did I love Paul Walker for his acting but also his humanitarian side and knowing that, it was a shame he was taken from this world so soon.

So that leads me to this, just to spread some love and positivity because in this world right now all we see it the hate and terror on our screens, but I want to change that I’m going to try at the end of every blogpost to write something to spread some love and it starts with this drawing and the caption I used when I posted it 3 years ago.

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“We are made up of thousands upon thousands of little things. Pieces of us are created, some big some small. The places we love, the people we’ve touched are apart of us; who we are. We are made up of what we do in life, like dots. There are those that are made up of millions of those little things, every friend you meet every one you love, every person you feed all the family you have are a part of you and when you have that many of those little things. Its amazing because thanks to you we were able to have a little piece of you too.”

As always Peace & Love

Zoe x

Unacknowledged! A Netflix Documentary

Are We Really Alone Out There?

Yes it’s most likely a question you’ve heard many many times before but I’m asking again and honestly I personally believe that it isn’t just us, I can’t see how it can be. From a biblical view God created Earth then man, then woman from said man. Our civilisation from that moment began, since it has rose and fell and science along the way was born and us as a species has dived farther into our Universe. Since then our finding of ever growing evidence to support that the possibility of Earth like planets and Universes can be found in the far reaches of the Universe makes the answer to ‘Are we really alone out there?‘ a pretty big no.

Whether you believe in the possibility or not you can’t deny that if our Universe could hold a planet dense enough to support human life, so could any other Universe out there.

I talk about this because I recently watch a documentary on Netflix that I never expected to inspire me and trigger thought provoking ideas.

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Unacknowledged: An Expose of the Worlds Greatest Secret

It’s now estimated that for every grain of sand on planet Earth there is another Earth like planet capable of sustaining life.

Now before I go on about the documentary and you after reading this are not interested in watching it, I plead that you at least watch the opening credits, it’s an eye-opener and something I wasn’t expecting to see at the beginning of this documentary.

So we start this documentary watching a group of people (doctors/scientists/military/government personnel) stand at a press conference revealing that they have been a part of  government projects that have been unacknowledged, with evidence to uncover a ten year long conspiracy to cover up extraterrestrial visitation to Earth.

Throughout the documentary we follow noted UFO expert Dr Steven Greer who speaks directly to us throughout the documentary. From the very first UFO crash in Roswell, 1947 and all the sighting that came after that it is still questioned and not believed, aliens and UFO’s have been since then made in skits and jokes leading to conspiracy theories that are more believed than the actual truth.

There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy – William Shakespeare

We see Dr Greer create The Disclosure Project bringing together eye-witnesses with their own testimonies to uncover the secrets being unacknowledged by the government. Many more have come forward but in secret in fear of the repercussions, now if it’s all fake, why would many be scared to come forward? Well I don’t believe Marilyn Monroe slept with two Presidents and died on her own accord. I’m a firm believer that the government goes to great lengths to keep their secrets secret no matter the cost.

When the topic of why UFO’s have been seen in the skies of planet Earth, the evidence shows us that many sighting have been those above/around military bases more specifically where nuclear weapons are held, so it moves to the question of why again, do they want to steal them/use them against us, are they hostile? Or is it because of how hostile we are towards our own planet, we use weapons of destruction to wipe out and kill. Maybe and just maybe if there was an alien race out there popping in to Earths atmosphere, maybe they see us as a threat, seeing how we treat our own home.

“I feel that the air force has not been giving out all the available information on these UFO’s, you cannot disregard so many unimpeachable sources” – John McCormack, Speaker of the House

 In the second part of the documentary we delve into the deep secrecy that is being held way above any government official (there are secrets being kept from the president) hearing these men talk about how sharing this information would have them wiped out was sickening and actually scared me. Marilyn Monroe is mentioned in this part also.

They talk about how if the government was keeping the truth of UFO’s and E.T activity, how would they keep it secret and they ponder the fact that it’ll be hidden in plain sight and it made sense. With all the evidence/photographs and personal accounts of sightings how do they keep it a secret and non-believable. Well if we look how the media has taken this it’s plain and simple, Hollywood takes a few alien stick Mel Gibson in it and boom CONSPIRACY THEORY! It is joked about and ridiculed and any believers are branded as loonies who claim they’ve had been experimented on by E.T. So if it true the people who know the truth have played a pretty good game in keeping it hidden in plain sight.

The final part of this documentary is really the eye-opener for me and I won’t go into too much detail but hearing that us as a race are 100 years behind in every thing it’s shocking when we also have the resources to change our current situation, we see that us on Earth are at a crossroads and we can either stay in a state of war and poverty or embrace what we have, stop feeding into these giant cooperation’s that are ultimately suffocating us to reach our full potential as a human race.

I conclude this post wondering how can so many of the brightest minds in this century be liars/crazy? How have our governments kept a secret this large and if so, is it really hidden in plain sight? Why if there are un hostile planetary objects in space why don’t they want us to know? Why not try to make contact or allow contact to be made? I believe that these men, these individuals that are keeping this from us have been so high on power for so long from controlling us that if contact was made, their power would mean nothing, their ranks would be insignificant and if war was pledged on to them, they would lose.

I would definitely recommend this documentary, it is an eye-opener and really gets you thinking about what is out there and what is happening on Earth and the possibilty of other worlds out there.

This post is a lot different to what I usually write but I’ve enjoyed writing it so so much that I hope you have enjoyed it too.

Peace & Love

Zoe