…but that doesn’t make me an ugly person does it?
Ok so it was World Mental Health Day on the 10th of October, literally last week but guess what, it doesn’t mean we have to stop talking about it!
Moving on, if someone had told me that after a year of blogging I would be sharing my depression history I would have said some nasty words and been a little rude because a year ago I would read other peoples mental health stories and I would say I could never ever share mine but here I am, a little more confident in my writing to do this and to be completely honest, I’m one little finger away from back spacing this whole post! If you are reading this, hooray!
I’m not going to talk about back then because I’m not there anymore, I want to talk about the now, me right now because I’m fighting I’ve not given up although every thing in my brain is telling me to, I’m fighting against my own mind to carry on when the invisible dark side of me is telling me to quit, that I’m not worth it and I won’t matter to anyone, some days that side pins me down and I don’t feel like I’m ever going to get up until I sleep and I catch that dark side and I hold myself higher than it. I’m fighting every day because of what I went through all those years ago.
Scars are a funny things well they’re not but to me the scars on our minds are worse than the ones we have on our skin. On our skin we’re able to cover them, use special lotions to remove them but the ones in our minds are the weakest parts of our brain. They are tender and sore and one bad thing, one horrible word can cause that scar to re-open. Some of us have supportive family, great partners to speak to and amazing friends to lean one but some don’t and sometimes even with all that support when that scar has been opened too many times and you’re bleeding into your brain, you can’t talk, hear or see what’s around you and you go numb that’s when to some it’s sadly too late, that’s when sadly people take their own lives. That’s what needs to STOP!
Some days I honestly feel like I’ve been down for so long I’ve forgotten what feeling normal is like. I’ve got so deep into a darkness that when light hits me I am fazed and a little disillusioned. That’s depression that is what it’s like for those that are effected by it every day.
Today is a good day for me and before now I would step on egg shells, anxious, looking over my shoulder waiting for that one thing to happen that would see me plummeting into that dark place but no more is my depression going to have that much control over me anymore. My good days are going to be free, free from worry, anxiety and fear. My good days are going to start good, be good and end good. I want to go to bed and look back at my day and be happy with what I filled my 12 hours with instead of beating myself up over one hour of darkness.
Now I don’t know if this has made any sense or if anyone can relate and to be honest I don’t really even know how I should finish this but I’ll stop now otherwise this post will be too long and you’ll all hate me. Hahaha!
So I’m going to finish this by saying having a mental illness isn’t something to be ashamed of, it isn’t something we have to keep quite anymore. We need to talk about it, share with others and be there for each other. So I’m here for you! My email address is in my about me page and my twitter DM’s are open to anyone (well apart from you automatic ones)
As always guys
Peace and Love